ThE PUzzlE

“What are you doing Chris? You’ll wake the children, come to bed, it’s 3.00am.”

“I’m busy here, don’t disturb me, I’ve got an important deadline and I need to get it done. You go back to sleep and I’ll see to the kids if they wake up, now go on, up you go. I must crack on, I promised this for first thing in the morning and now I am hungry.”

“Chris, you cannot function properly without rest, can you not see that?”

“I’m busy, stop disturbing me Catherine and go back to bed, can’t you appreciate what I am doing for this family? Your lifestyle and what you like to spend all depend on me, leave me alone woman and get on with what you need to do, now go away! ”

He’d been like this for about 6 weeks. I’d enjoyed it initially as he had been very funny and this led to an unusually high sex drive but I could see his passion flip from excitement to aggression at the flick of a switch. The Girls were also on edge with their Father and knew something was not right. I did my very best to keep them busy and out of his way when I sensed he was tipping into a rage. 

“Ummi Gee, I am really worried about Chris, he is working so hard and I can’t reach him.” 

“Oh come now my child, he is under a lot of pressure.”    

“Ummi Gee, I really think he needs to see someone about his mental health”

“What are you suggesting? That my Son is incapable and you have married a man who is a danger to society?”

“No, Ummi Gee, he is not a danger to society, mostly himself.”

“He has always lacked self-discipline and will power Catherine, ever since he was a child. Now I don’t want any rumours getting out that he is mental, it is not good for business.” There was a poignant pause “Now tell me how are my two gorgeous girls?”

Later that day that he tripped and fell, fortunately I was in. I heard him cry out above the sound of the music he had blaring in his office and found him in a heap next to a pile of paper files and CD’s. I’d not been in the office for a while as he’d not allowed me to enter, but when I did I could hardly believe the chaos. I called an ambulance and he was stretchered out to A&E. He was treated for a head injury that needed medical observation. I was both worried and relieved and shared my concerns with the Doctor. He was discharged after 72 hours and came home with the instruction to really take it easy. Unfortunately I noticed other worrying trends in his behaviour. He began to cry at the drop of a hat and then he’d give himself a guilt trip about not being a proper man as he was not supposed to cry. I resisted the temptation of rolling my eyes and shaking my head. His appetite was good which made me feel like I could really take care of him. I got going in the kitchen and was soon churning out a variety of dishes, including some I had not done before. He ate them with relish and was also getting the girls to buy him chocolate, it became part of the daily routine, almost like a ritual. He seemingly did nothing but eat and sleep. I was pleased that I had had a chance to talk to the Doctor when Chris had been in hospital, I felt that I was better able to cope knowing that I understood a bit more about a possible condition.

I went up with a date tart, his favourite pudding. He was looking so much better and seemed rested. 

“Here we are lovely?” I said.

“Oh, wonderful Darling, thank-you.”

“You’re looking so much better, do you feel it? 

“I still feel so tired and listless and I can feel I have put weight on too”

“Chris, have you ever thought that you might have a chemical imbalance in your system?”

“What are you talking about?” 

“I spoke to the doctor when you were in hospital, I was worried about you. I don’t know if you realise just how much you have been over doing it love.”

He shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and then ignored me. I was determined to plough on. 

“The accident was a wake -up call, can’t you see that?”

He started crying softly, I pushed a feeling of guilt out of my mind and ploughed on whilst holding his hand.

“I’m here for you Chris, you know that, we all are. Please would you talk to a professional? There is no shame in that!”

I left him to eat his tart and hoped that the richness of its flavour would act with a thought process in his mind; perhaps that was just a straw I was clutching onto. The Girls came in with the usual hoard of sweets. I resisted being strict about the chocolate and decided to indulge with them. Perhaps it was me who needed to eat and think. As soon as the rich smooth and creamy sweetness was on my palate I was taken back to my childhood and felt temporarily comforted. 

He eventually was given a clean bill of health and I noticed that he began to slip back into over working again. I was determined to try and intervene. This time we had a furious row and I just could not take it. I dropped the children off with my Mother and drove up the M40 to the shopping outlet for some retail therapy. I spent the morning in my favourite designer shoe shop and whilst having coffee I thought I would head for Wales, only because I had never been there. My head was in such a scramble and I just followed my nose along the M4 and into the Wye Valley.  It was dramatic and I dipped from England into Wales and back again. I ended up aimlessly driving along the little B roads and decided to stop at a garden centre for a break. They had wonderful displays of bedding plants and I was keen to have a treat and opted for a cream tea. The waitress duly arrived with a pot of Darjeeling and a sumptuous pair of home cooked scones which I proceeded to smother with butter, jam and cream and devoured them whilst admiring the cascading fuchsias and gulping down my tea. Before I left I asked if they knew of any local accommodation and they recommended trying the Puzzlewood that was just down the road. When I got there I found that the cottages they had for rent were all full but I was intrigued by this part of the Forest of Dean. Eventually I managed to find an Airbnb near Monmouth, it was clean and comfortable and private. Plus it was not too far from the Puzzlewood which I wanted to explore. The following day I paid my entry fee and wondered in. It is an ancient woodland that contains a labyrinth of pathways it was like I had stepped back in time into an enchanted forest from a bygone era. It was fascinating and I found my imagination running wild round every corner. I stumbled upon the willow maze that was part of the attraction and ended up getting a bit lost; it was a welcome distraction after the tensions of the last few weeks and I found myself relaxing and not tying myself up in knots. After 2 days I knew I had to turn on my mobile phone and make contact with the outside world. As soon as it came to life there were a slew of messages from my Husband, most of them aggressive and demanding. I read a few of them and then decided not to look at them or respond as I could feel myself tensing up. I really just wanted to talk to my children.    

I rang my Mother, “How are you and where are you?” she said. I told her about the wood. She said she’d heard of it and that she knew that it had been used for filming. “How are the girls Mum?” I said. “They’re fine and loving the trampoline that your Father bought yesterday.” I was on tender hooks and asked her if Chris had been in touch. “No, Catherine, he has not. I expect he is working far too hard to be concerned about his Daughters.” There was the usual disapproving undertone in her voice. “Oh Mother please don’t start, you know how passionate he is about his business.” I said. Always being one for home truths she retorted with, “He also seems passionate about upsetting you too!” I felt a tear roll down my cheek. I spoke to both girls and they were having a lovely time. Mum and Dad were in their element too, I knew that and breathed a sigh of relief and gratitude before switching the phone off. 

I went back to the wood and explored another path and sat next to a strange rock formation. It made me think of when we had lived in Oman, my Father had been posted out there when I was a child and during the school holidays we had been into the desert to find the wadi’s. Having located the river bed it was easy to see why it was a geologist paradise, in the space of where I could look around me there was a myriad of hundreds of different types of stones that were every colour of the rainbow. As we drove back along the track it was possible to see the shade of the sand change colour around every corner. It was my first foray into the mythical near east and the beginning of my total absorption into that part of the world. At that moment I sensed that it was my destiny and what would help to keep me rooted in my marriage. Dappled sunlight came through the wood and I found somewhere to sit and meditate. As usual I found it difficult to uncouple my mind and detach myself from my Eastern thought pattern. I was almost instantly transported back to the colourful souks that sold everything from spices to bolts of cloth and native silver. It conjured up the spirit and the essence of the east that was imbibed in my soul. I found the souk in Jerusalem equally fascinating and it seemed to be the beating heart that brought together the 4 quarters of the city that was essentially very Arabic. I’d been up to the Sea of Galilee and thought how Mediterranean it was. I felt that there was a country that really was where east and west met. I had also climbed Mount Masada. We got up very early to beat the heat and I had no idea just what a climb it was. As the dawn was breaking I became aware that we were looking down on a large body of water that  was eerily bereft of boats and buildings. It was only as we carried on climbing the winding path that I realised that it was the Dead Sea. I suppose I would not have known that if I had not had a Catholic upbringing. I was 19 and it was after I came back from my kibbutz that I met this beautiful man. He was shaking his gorgeous body on the dancefloor of a London night club and before I knew it we were married and then the girls came along. It seemed to happen in the blink of an eye, in retrospect I thought to myself that when I was in my early 20’s I felt I could take the world on. I know my Parents did not really approve of me marrying outside the Catholic faith but we were very happy for the first few years and London is a melting pot of different cultures. But that was 10 years ago. I took in a deep breath and opened my eyes. In the time I had been sitting there several speckled wood butterflies had landed in the clearing. They put on a spectacular display of spiral acrobatics vying to get above each other in the woodland canopy. I waited until they had all flown away and then thought I would like to go for a drink and get something to eat. 

The pub sold good food, it was a bit expensive, but perhaps that was my Husband talking. I knew the curry would not be a touch on his Mother’s so I had a risotto instead, more comfort food. Chris came into my mind again. He’d gone into business with his late Dad and sometimes he worked 16 hours a day, which was ridiculous, he never saw the Girls and I felt like a lone parent. I had begun to notice his erratic behaviour emerge about a year ago and there was a definite pattern of intense work followed by being down in the dumps. I felt like I could not reach him and that there was a stigma that he did not want to be associated with.  

The following day I went back to the Puzzlewood and took a different path, after about an hour of meandering about I inadvertently found I was back in the same spot as I had been yesterday. I decided to sit down and meditate again. As I sat still in the clearing I became aware that a robin was rooting through the undergrowth and every now and then she would look up at me and cock her head. I breathed deeply and took in the moment with wonder. The privacy and solitude made me feel so present. I was amazed at how close the bird was to me and I felt such a spiritual connection with everything around me. My sense of just living in the now did not last long and I found my mind drifting again to our honey moon in India. We had gone to Amritsar to the golden temple, Chris has relatives who live there and we had visited them. I felt so connected with everybody there as we all prayed in the moon light. I also loved how they prepared a meal for anybody who wanted to eat at the temple and we had partaken. It was all funded on donations and manned by volunteers, I loved the ethos and considered that it was part of a pilgrimage that we both wanted to go on. For him it was his first time in India and I know he had always wanted to experience his heritage. I had asked if we could obtain visas to go across the border and into Pakistan as I had wanted to see what it was like in Lahore. It was tricky but I am so glad I pushed for it. I wanted to take in the culture on the other side of the border. I think Chris felt slightly uneasy but I felt that the politics were on a higher level than the ordinary man. I was careful to be as respectful as I could be by covering my head and I did notice that there were not many westerners at all. The locals were very friendly and helpfully Chris spoke their language. He said it had been an eye opener for him too. We also visited the Dahli Llama’s house in Macleodganj and gone into the colourfully painted Tibetan temple there. Where I sensed my spirit awaken the most was amongst the flags and the prayer wheels up in the Himalayas. Interestingly enough it was on Easter Sunday that we had witnessed the Buddhist monks chanting and it was deeply significant to me. That was when I started to meditate and hone the skill of happiness, mindfulness and loving-kindness. Suddenly,  I could feel the warmth of the sun on my face and it prompted me to open my eyes again. There was a singular shaft of light shining on me, I felt my spirit soar as if I was a large bird catching a thermal and the freedom of just spreading my wings and having faith in how things are really struck me. It was a moment of pure bliss. A cloud cover blotted out the sunlight and I began to feel a bit chilly. Reluctantly I left and went back to the pub for lunch.

Later that evening I was back in my room and was thinking about my Husband. I wished he could have been with me whilst I was in the woods today. I had always looked to the East for spirituality and my experiences this week had been so rooted in what was around me here and it was profound. I wanted to save my marriage and felt sanguine about the here and now, but still not ready to face him. 

The following day I went back to London, it was wonderful to see the Girls and they were happy with my Mum and Dad and were in a good routine. Mum made up a bed for me and did not ask too many questions. Dad and I chatted about lots of different things but nothing important. It all helped. Eventually after another week I plucked up the courage to pick up the phone.

“Hello Chris, how are you?”

“Catherine, what is going on? How are the Girls?”

“The girls are fine love. How are you Darling?”

“I’m fine.”

“How are you really Chris?”

“Missing you all. I was really angry that you just walked out.”

There was a pregnant pause and I took a deep breath.

“Chris, you are crossing so many boundaries with your behaviour and I find it so difficult to reach you, please can you take on board that this is not best serving you. It’s not just me that you are driving away either. There is nothing unmanly about being in touch with your feelings. You have a condition, I don’t know what it is but there is help out there for you. Please let’s start again with you just accepting that?”

There was another pause, I decided not to wait for his response.

“I have been down to the West Country and found this amazing woodland in the Forest of Dean. I feel it had a touch of the divine. Do you remember when we went to the Taj Mahal? How breath taking it is when you first see it. This ancient woodland I discovered quite by accident, is just as magical in its own way. ”

Still he said nothing.

“I do not want to hold a gun to you head, but I am not holding one to my own. You are my favourite person on this earth and I want us to work. I am not keen for us to come home and just carry on the way we were. Something has to change!”

I ploughed on.

“I really want to take you to this woodland that I found. Please accept my request and seek help.”

I could hear him crying. Eventually he said, “When can I see you?”

“When I come with you on an appointment with the Doctor.”

Later on that afternoon I went out for a walk and ended up visiting Camden Market. My Grandmother had grown up around there and I remember her saying how trendy and exciting it was in her youth in the late 1960’s. I had a nostalgic afternoon looking at some of the old vinyl records and I picked up an album by The Beatles, just called The Beatles it had a plain white cover, it was a double album and I became intrigued enough to buy it knowing that my parents had an old record player. I did not know any of the tracks and then became excited to listen to it. Mum said she knew the album but hadn’t heard it for years and I was just about to put the needle onto the record when my phone rang.

“Mrs Chatterjee?”

“Yes, who’s calling please?”

“Mrs Chatterjee, my name is Lucy and I am a nurse calling from St Thomas’s Hospital. We have your Husband here and he is receiving treatment. “

”Is he alright?!”

“Well, we don’t know, we need to do some tests but he was rescued from The Thames.”

I shot out of the house and jumped onto the tube, my mind was racing uncontrollably. When I got to the hospital I found him in a cot in A&E and waited for a consultant to call round again. It was with bated breath that I asked him what details he knew.

“Ummi Gee, I am in the hospital with Chris.”

“Oh my God, what’s happened?”

“He has hyperthermia a broken wrist and cuts and bruises. The Police rescued him from the Thames.”

“The Thames? What was he doing in the Thames?”

“He threw himself in.”

She hung up after I had given her the details. I knew she would be straight down. I rang my Mum and she said she would pick the Girls up from school at 4 and would let them know that he was in hospital again. I had just bought coffee when I saw my Mother-in-Law, she was bewildered and anxious.

“Catherine, where is he?”

“He’s still in A&E waiting for a bed, Ummi Gee.”

“This is all your fault! Your endless spending without a care as to how hard he has to work for it.” She spat at me.

I was so shocked at her outburst that I had to go and sit down. I know I loved to shop and the Girls were at expensive schools but I thought we could afford it. I began to wonder if there was a problem with the business that he had not told me. I also wondered if whether I had perhaps misjudged the situation by thinking he had a mental illness and then gone off in my own Eastern meditation bubble. I drank my coffee and went back into A&E. They found him a bed and made him comfortable. I then felt ready to go back to my parent’s after that. When I got in they were all worried and I explained without too many details to the Girls that their Daddy was going to be fine. Mum suggested a good night’s sleep. The following day I took the Girls to school and went straight back to Mum’s. We sat in the conservatory with coffee and were listening to the Beatles white album. I was deeply worried and spoke at length with my parents. My concerns were still rooted in his mental health and this second hospital visit in less than 3 months and to have jumped into the river? My mind raced in all directions with that and the possibility that we could be bankrupt. Mum had one of those looks on her face again. I braced myself, she took a deep breath.

“First of all there is nothing to worry about with money, if necessary we can all tighten our belts to make sure the school fees are paid, the children are top priority, your Father and I will do without our holiday to Canada this year, if necessary.” She said. I felt relieved and guilty at the same time. “If there are any problems with the business it will all come out in the wash – sorry, unfortunate choice of expression. I think the difficulty is a cultural one Catherine. We all have the same blood running through our veins, but his heritage is not the same Darling.” I opened my mouth to speak but she lifted her finger. 

“Your Father and I have always known you would marry a man from the east. You had an international childhood so it is unsurprising that we now have a multi-cultural family. My Grandmother always said you should always marry your own kind and now a days things have changed so much that I’m not sure that advice is still relevant. In the meantime there are still differences of values and beliefs that are deep rooted around mental health within the Asian community. Fortunately as you know we have always been very liberal. I insisted upon it as I dislike and am opposed to the dogma of religion.

I also know his family are liberal too. Now, have been loading up your credit cards? I know how you like to shop and eat out. Moving forward, firstly, how about really taking the time to meet Chris half way? You make a budget with him about monthly expenditure and stick to it. Secondly when you go to the hospital you see if Chris can see a psychiatrist and find somebody he likes.” 

I visited the hospital daily with the Girls and slowly things began to emerge. He was discharged after a week and got settled down again at home.  We were not bankrupt but I really needed to be more careful. We agreed on a budget and I cut up and cancelled my credit cards. I also realised how self-indulgent I had always been without realising it. It was an automatic pattern of behaviour that if I was upset I would spend and eat. 

 It seemed to open up the flood gates and Chris talked about living with an invisible enemy and how he felt so hollow inside. I suggested that he created an action plan which included letting go of any fear and shame and that his masculinity was not defined by a set of rules. He explained that when he was on a high it was his best friend and when he was on a low it was like he had willingly invited the devil in for tea. He was given a diagnosis of bi-polar or manic depression which is a more accurate definition of his behaviour. The psychiatrist said his condition had probably stemmed from the death of my Father-in-Law and that possibly Chris had not grieved properly.   

Part of my monthly budget had gone on a record player and I found this time synonymous with listening to The Beatles white album. A friend of ours called round who said he knew the album well. He said that this album was originally going to be entitled The Doll’s House and Richard Hamilton, who was considered to be the father of Pop Art had designed the cover. He talked about the details that fans go into with the serial number and all the posters and record label markings with these albums. He said my album was not worth anything as it did not even have a serial number on it. I said I thought that what it was worth to me was that it was helping me to get through a difficult patch and the music is timeless. To me George Harrison was really on to something with Hare Krishna and the hippy movement and I began chant the mantra. Believing that it spoke to my soul and that self- awareness was the new frontier of my spirituality.

That afternoon I as soon as I sat down to meditate I had the idea I was on a camel train making my way through the desert as the ancients did, navigating by the stars. 

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